Humor Relation

Fruits Of Love

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days. 
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. 
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. 
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love." 
The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

Furniture Budget

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". 
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. 
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." 
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

Given Of The Heat

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. 
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. 
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." 
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" 
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Glass Eye

A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a women. Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.
The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"
She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."

Good Relationship

"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?" 
"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over. 
"Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

Have You Ever Been Unfaithful

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?" 
"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?" 
"Well, er, yes - but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed. 
"Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?" 
"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time." 
"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time." 
"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole? 
"The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"

Headstone

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Heaven's Cars

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly. 
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. " 
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." 
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" 
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." 
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." 
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" 
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" 
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!" 
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. 
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" 
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

Hidden Message

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Jane kept hinting to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed.
However, for some reason the message wasn't sinking in. She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Keep Your Photo

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."

Lesson In Romance

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads. 
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room. 
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff. 
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Like A baby

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. 
Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
"Don't worry, honey," he said. 
She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. 
As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby." 
"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

Love A Dress

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. 
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. 
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. 
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. 
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. 
"Love dress? You are naked!" said the mother-in-law. 
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute." 
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. 
Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. 
"What are you doing?" he asked. 
"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it first," he said.

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. 
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." 
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

New Bike

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?"
After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy.
Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and can I have a bicycle? Leroy
Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions. 
Leroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:
Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. From, You know who.?" 

1 2 3 4 New