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Picking
Up's Nun's
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks
over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you
how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every
Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went
dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus
driver (male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the
nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks
out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers
and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this
and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask
and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!!"
Poetry
Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They
were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that
contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two, Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made
his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a hunting' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
Rubbing For A Wish
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Stomach
Complaint
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository
up his anal passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the
thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he
finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine
home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on
my shoulder."
The
Height Of..
Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology:
A condom with a zip.
Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is
itching.
Thumbs
up
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and
order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog.
You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and up zips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking
on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the
first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are
killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"
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