Humor Dirty

Chicken Bone

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and 
starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over 
to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. 
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over
the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. 
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works 
like a charm."

Dentist Pick Up

A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says, 'You must be a dentist!'.
The guy all surprised says, 'Yes, how did you figure that out ?'.
The girl says, 'Easy, you keep washing your hands'.
One thing led to another.
They make love.
After they were done, the girl says, 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'.
The guy was very very surprised, he says, 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure 
that out??'
The girl says, 'Easy, I didn't feel a thing!'

Extra Effort 

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office:I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Four Parachutes

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The 
first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower."
So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA basketball players, and the 
Boston Celtics need me so I can't afford to die."
So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United 
States, I am New York's Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world". So she takes the 
third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 12-year-old Boy Scout, "I am old 
and frail and I don't have many years left so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will 
sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Boy Scout said, "It's okay, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took 
my backpack."

Frankfurter

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. 
The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. 
"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. 
I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.

Gas Grill

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." 
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Good Example

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "

Hilarys Hand

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. "OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is."
Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".

Jessie And Bill

Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.
Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out.
Clinton looked down and said "Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?" 
Jessie said "Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can".
Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post. 
At that time, Hillery said "Is that you Jessie?"

Nasty Women

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? 
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? 
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises? 
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.

Johnny's Thinking

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

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