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A
Serious Medical Condition
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Adam
and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
Alligator
In Bar
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.
He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He
will then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed
his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and
made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:
Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room
Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent
Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots
Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity................................ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class
Semolina................................... Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one
Contradiction......................... Accord not in it
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA......................... TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Anything
You Say
When Johnny got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer's breasts."
Ass
"Emoticons"
(_E=3Dmc2_) A smart ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_!_) A regular "nice" ass
(__!__) A large ass
(!) A tight ass
(_._) A flat ass
(_^_) A bubbly ass
(_*_) A sore ass
(_!__) A lop-sided ass
{_!_} A squishy ass
(_o_) An ass that's been around
(_O_) And more....
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) "Get off my ass"
(_zzz_) A tired ass
(_o^o_) A wise ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_?_) Dumb ass
Attitudes
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."
Back
Wheels
One day timmy and jane were in the woods and timmy oulled his pants down and jane asked
"what's
that?"
Timmy says "I don't know?"
Then Jane pulls her pants down and timmy asks "what's that?"
She says "I don't know?" so they said Lets find out.
So timmy goes home and asks his dad what that was and his dad replies
that's your tricycle when
ever u get a chance park it in a girls garage.
Then Jane asks her mom, "what's that?" her mom replies,
that's ur garage don't ever let a boy park
his tricycle in it.
So they both meet up in the woods and timmy says this is my tricycle and jane says this is my
garage.
Later that day jane goes home and she is covered in blood and hr mom says "jane what happened?"
Jane replies don't worry mom this isn't my blood, timmy tried parking his tricycle in my garage so
i ripped his back wheels off.
Barbars
Advices
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any
suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across
was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
Betting
Old Lady
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.
She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because
it's a lot of money.
They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to
deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.
The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks
her. The old lady says, "I make bets".
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can
never win that kind of bet".
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I
bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure" says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a
mirror checking his balls. Turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them
out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's
balls are square.
The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can
see.
The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK"
says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old
lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of
Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
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