Humor Collection

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't 

started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you 

concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of 

those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him. 
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place

with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters. 
8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You'd better write 

that letter now and get it out of the way so youcan concentrate. 
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going 

to start that paper. 
11. Listen to the other side. 
12. Check your e-mail again. 
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory 

remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large. 
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened

pencils. 
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you

checked. 
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece 

Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: + Pro 

Bowler's Tour + any movie starring Don Ameche + Star Trek. 
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 
22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking

in the hall. 
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened

pencils. 
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it. 
27. Check your e-mail. 
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan. 
30. Leap up and write the paper. 
31. Type the paper. 
 

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks 

if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" 
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. 
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. 
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. 
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot

continue to operate this office with just one chair." 
 

Titanic vs. Clinton (some amazing similarities) 
Titanic Video: $9.99 on Internet.
Clinton Video: $9.99 on Internet. 
Titanic Video: Over 3 hours long.
Clinton Video: Over 3 hours long. 
Titanic Video: The story of Jack and Rose, they’re forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton Video: The story of Bill and Monica, they’re forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. 
Titanic Video: Villain: White Star Line.
Clinton Video: Villain: Ken Starr. 
Titanic Video: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton Video: Bill is a B.S. artist. 
Titanic Video: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton Video: Ditto for Bill. 
Titanic Video: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton Video: Ditto for Monica. 
Titanic Video: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton Video: Let's not go there. 
Titanic Video: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton Video: Monica's forced to return her gifts. 
Titanic Video: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
Clinton Video: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%

Titanic Video: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton Video: Bill goes home to Hillary.
 

6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed.
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks.
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you

turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/

Dinko's whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today, must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn.
Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon. 8:15 Read electronic mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job.

Depression: too much work to do today.
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for your money back.

Wonder why they would believe you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate. 9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he

would not comprehend. Feel good about him not grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around

the world (using the "finger" command, of course).
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't need and and kinda make him aware

you are working hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams
11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time 11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in

rate to pretend you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
11:35 Press the Backspace key for one and a half minute until all the garbage you typed in is erased.

Realize that you can type more than 

256 characters per half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs:
12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk. Ch-Ching, you

just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness resentment towards foreign officemate for sucking up to

your advisor. Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/ graduation possibility/graduation date/all job

opportunities/ and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonight :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree program and take up a job.

Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams. Close the office door and open a few gif files. Sharpen pencil
3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter--NOT! No time for that. Rearrange desk.

Call up bank; see if you have any money, fear of losing aid next Fall. Read latex manuals to figure out

how to put &$%&% in %$^% format.
3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight. Vow to watch only 2 TV programs.
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office.
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office late at night to "get the

work done."
9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack thoseftp sites since network won't

be loaded and get the pictures into your machine. 
Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space. Back up all your pictures.
10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work. Realize you need references. 
Realize its too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling of having wasted the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to turn in early and come back

very early tomorrow morning. Decide to play Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the scoreboard. Realize that

your officemate is still at number 6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of achievement!! Yes, today was

not wasted!! Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him

about the"hard working grad student day you had." Discuss philosophy with roommate.
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining Philosophers problem,

hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and whether

it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded of the "too much milk problem."
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to sleep. (repeat)

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse 

racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going 

price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it,

he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To hissurprise, the donkey came in third! 
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so

pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: 

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered

the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. 

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. 

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher

decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST

ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, 

so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. 
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so

he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline 

in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next

day.
  

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 
8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 
7. I wouldn't never date an undergraduate. 
6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here. 
4. I just have on more book to read and then I'll start writing. 
3. The department is giving me so much support. 
2. My job prospects look really good. 
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years
 

How Bill Clinton is spending his last days in office... 
·Bitch Slapping Al Gore every time he blabs about restoring "dignity" and "integrity”. 
Showing George W. Bush around the White House and introducing him to his new employees. 
Getting drunk and then bragging how he convinced America that oral sex didn't count as sex. 
·Planting hidden web cams throughout White House for his new 24-hour reality website. 
·Apartment hunting in NYC just in case Hillary isn't joking about "getting her groove back”. 
·Surfing EBAY in attempt to get Lewinsky's stained dress back. 
Helping Hillary on her campaign so he'll get the new house all to himself and make up for all those lost

bong hits. 
·At George W. Bush's request: cleaning the stains under his desk.

5. I'm not going to grant any extensions. 
4. Call me any time. I'm always available. 
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe. 
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.  If anything, it's

getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly

up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.  Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you 

guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the 

chop.  Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may 

get a raw deal.

10. ta-daaaaaaah! 
9. wow, i got soooooooo s*** faced last night! (dr. paul's preferred line) 
8. like, are you gonna scale these? 
7. oh, yeah? we'll, what do you know, anyway? 
6. are you ready to rumble? 
5. according to the new york post... 
4. can i do something for extra credit? 
3. now for my next trick... 
2. good morning, tiger! (to your advisor) 
1. will this take long? i'm double-parked... 

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how

everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant. 
"No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant. 
She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's phone, and dialed the private line in

the Oval Office. 
When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! 
You got me pregnant!" 
The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, "Didn't you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me

pregnant!" 
Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um...who IS this?"

1 2 3 Next