Humor Collection

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the 

Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says 

"I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain". Newt Gingrich speaks

next and says, "I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart”. 
President Clinton speaks last and says, "I'll just take Dorothy”.

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed

to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be 

a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the 

advertising manager.
The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my 

wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans,

red beans . . ."
The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount

of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300

to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the 

nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! 

For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting

around."      

After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs

upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. 
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the foreplay?" says Doug.
"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."      

The teacher asked kids to bring something belonging to their grandparents to the school.
- Masha, a cap? Very good.
- Grisha, a badge? Great!
- Vovochka, an oxygen pillow? Did your grandma allow you to take it? 

What did she say?
- She said: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh..."
 

Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?"
Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?"
Amateur: "About 130."
Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back?"      

- When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch 

something, that's bad. 
- Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you 

caught. 
- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught. 
- You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. 
- You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. 
- You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and 

a movie minimum. 
- Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

1. After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live 

ammunition. 
2. Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail". 
3. Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger". 
4. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan. 
5. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless. 
6. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!! 
7. Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky. 
8. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after

week! 
9. Don King only bribes boxing judges. 
10. Official rule books not made in Braille. 
11. I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. 
"Please dear, I need help!" she said. The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help." 
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, 

on the ground, raised up her head and said, 

"I'm may be dying and you're putting?!?" 
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he comeand help." 
"The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?" she gasped in pain. 
"Hey ! I told you not to worry," he said, as he practiced stroking his putt. 
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through." 

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws 

pending."

He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I 

inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted 

hisfinger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck.

Do youhave a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. 

The wardentook a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 

"This here's an Idaho duck. 
Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck,

conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon 

state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, 

a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these 

licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"      

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being

"let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.

"The second man said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she

let me go."
The third man said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course 

or inter-course,' and she said: I'll put your clubs in the car.' "      

The regular foursome teed off on time that Saturday morning. On the second hole Joe noticed a funeral 

procession going by and stopped, held his hat over his heart and bowed his head. His partners 

noticed and complimented Joe on his thoughtfulness. "She was a good wife for 40 years," replied Joe.

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can 

join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are 

even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about 

we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, 

the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while 

counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow 

gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says,

"No, no.You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.Then, if you bring 

your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you!     

A professor starts giving a lecture on medicine by saying: Here is an ovum, infected with syphilis.
Students: Professor, it's a pie!
He searches his bag, takes out another sample and says again:
Ok, here is the ovum, infected with syphilis.

Students: Professor, it is another pie!
Professor: Good gracious, what have I eaten for lunch???

Did you hear about the long delays on the golf course outside Washington, DC?
Seems like there was a foursome playing that was taking forever to get around the course. The group 

consisted of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According to observers, the 

problems they were having were attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer.
Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy cannot drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole

he is supposed to be playing.

President Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the UNSCOM inspections in Iraq. As he sits down

he sees three buttons in the armrest of Saddam's chair. 
When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "Why the three buttons in the armrest?" "You'll see,

" says Saddam. After 10 minutes, Saddam presses the first button and WHACK, a boxing glove hits 

Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose while Saddam just laughs. Clinton manages to remain calm 

until, after another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove hits Clinton 

in the stomach. 

While Clinton's gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing. Clinton is highly annoyed by 

now, but remains outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and 
from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the crotch. Clinton is really fed up

by it now and breaks off the talks. 

"We'll continue this next week in the White House," says the President. Saddam has tears in his eyes 

from laughing, and can only nod in agreement. 
As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval office a week later, and asSaddam sits down, he sees 

three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair. 

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately ducks, but 

nothing happens. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing ... really loud. Clinton continues where he 

left off, and after a few minutes presses the second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and this

 time it's Clinton who falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what

the hell is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and the talks continue. 
After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam doesn't even flinch, 

but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the 

floor, doubled over from laughter. Saddam is not only bewildered-now he is angry. 

He springs to his feet and shouts, "I've had enough of this, and I’m going back to Baghdad!" Through

tears of laughter, Clinton says, "Baghdad? ... ... What Baghdad???? 
 
Super bowl xxxvi - patriots fan

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a St.Louis, Missouri parkwhen one of the boys is 

suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiller. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, 

shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it,and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Rams Fan

Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Rams fan," the little 

hero replies."Sorry, since we're in St. Louis, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts 

writing again. "Blues Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Blues fan either,"the boy says."Oh, I assumed everyone in St. Louis was either for the Rams 

or the Blues. 

What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm an New England Patriots fan," the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Boy From New England Kills Beloved Family Pet." 

Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs' game played by gentlemen; 

soccer - a gentleman's game played by thugs;and Gaelic football - a thugs' game played by thugs!

Hey! Did you hear, Bill Clinton stopped playing the Sax, Yep that's right, now he plays the Harmonica. 
 

Monika Lewinsky walks in to a dry cleaner's the dry cleaner is hard of hearing, not realizing this Monika 

walks up to him and say's " I have this black dress and it has a stain on it" 
The dry cleaner then replies " Cum again" and Monika says " No it's a Mustard stain this Time". 
 

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

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