Humor Collection

Q: What do Monica Lawinski and a pop machine have in common?
A: They both say "Enter Bill Here!"
 

A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
 

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
 

Q: What is green, has six holes, and smells like Monica Lewinsky? 
A: Bill Clinton’s pool table
 

Did you hear that Monica is moving to New York to 

start a dry cleaning business. It's going to be 

called "Monica's Dry Cleaning”, and its motto will be 
"Drop your pants and jack-et off here".     

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, 
bad advice.      

McKean, a North Dakota rancher, got rich even though he didn't have an 
education. Despite his success, he stayed unsophisticated and prudish. 
On his deathbed, he said to Father Dempsey, "I'm leavin' half my fortune 

to the Church and the other half to the state college." 
"It's the devil's work!" cried the priest. "That college takes decent boys and 
girls and makes them matriculate together. They even have the same 

curriculum!" McKean cancelled the bequest to the college. 
 

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

I'm Glad You are Short

I'm glad you're short. It gives me less to complain about.

Four international executives are playing golf. On the third hole a ringing sound is heard. The British golfer

fumbles in his bag, picks out his cellular phone, turns away from his partners and has a brief 

conversation. 
"Terribly sorry chaps, but one has to keep one's finger on the pulse and all that." His companions murmur

acknowledgment. On the fourth hole there is another ring. The American says "excuse me", 
places his thumb to his ear and holds his pinkie near his mouth, and has an intense conversation. He 

turns back to the bewildered group. "Oh, this is the latest thing on the Coast," he says "I've got a 

microphone grafted into my pinkie and a receiver in my thumb. It's really convenient." They play on for a 

few more holes, at which point there is a loud ring. The German, who had been leaning over his putt, 

snaps to attention. "Ja, verstehen, verstehen, ja, ja. Auf Wiedersehen." He snaps back to normal. 
"This is really the state of art," he tells his playing partners. "I have the microphone grafted into my lower 

lip, and the receiver grafted into my earlobe. All I have to do to answer the telephone is to straighten my 

neck." Everyone is impressed. 
Finally, on the 18th hole, muted chimes are heard. The Japanese businessman drops his clubs, blurts 

"so sorry" and runs into the bushes.

Everyone waits. 
After 15 minutes the American goes to check on his colleague. He finds Mr. Tanaka squatting, trousers 

around his ankles, eyes closed and grimacing.

 "You okay, Tanaka-san?" he asks. "Everything is fine," Mr. Tanaka replies. "Just awaiting fax from home 
office."      

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."
3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."
4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable 

tip: your life is in trouble.
5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt 

very well.
8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play;it is always possible to get worse.
9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and 

miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam.The coach desperately needed him to play 

in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him an oral exam. 
"All right," said the prof. "How many degrees are there in a circle?" 
"Uh, depends," said the boy. "How big is that there circle?" 
 

Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
A. "its okay Daddy, I'm not hurt."
 

Roger and Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.
"Anything the matter?" Charlie asked.
"Na, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Roger replied.
"He's just been trying to correct my stance."
"He's only trying to help your game," Charlie soothed.
"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."       

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were 

absent-minded. 
"Professors haven't got bad memories," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know 

where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night? Would somebody like

to ask me another question?" 
"Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?" 
"Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question." 

A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q. What goes: VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH?
A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.
 

Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the contractor, through the second floor of her new house to show 

him what colors to paint the rooms. "I'd like the bathroom done in white!" 
Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, "Green up! Green up!""I want the bedroom in blue!" 

continued the woman. 
The contractor listened and yelled out the window, "Green up! Green up!" 
"The halls should be done in beige!" she instructed. Again, the man barked out the window, "Green up! 

Green up!" 
"Will you stop that?!" shouted the woman. "Every time I give you a color,all you do is shout 'Green up!' 

What the devil does that mean?" 'Tm real sorry, ma'am!" explained Corbett. "But I got three Oklahoma 
basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front lawn!"

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone. "Hi," said the voice, "this is Rollie. Come on over,

we're having a real wild ass party." 
"S***, Ah'd shore love to," said Tad, "but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea." 
"Bring it along!" answered Rollie. "The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anything'!" 

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Q. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months?
A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

When I was walking around the super market I noticed a blonde staring really hard at a carton of orange 

juice when I asked her what she was doing, "she said well it says on the carton concentrate".      

Dwayne showed up at the practice field to fry out for the Kansas State football team. 
"What position do you wanna play?" asked the coach. "Quarterback!" answered Dwayne. 
The coach handed him a football and said, "Do you think you can pass this ball?" 
"Hell!" said the boy. "If'n I can swallow it, I know I can pass it.
 

Q. What do you get when you give a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A. Change.
 

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria. 
During the course of the conversation, Biddle said,"A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today. 

I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't me!" 
"Ha, ha!" laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!" 
 

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
 

Three blondes want to be police detectives miraculously they all make it through the exams etc and they 

have to face one test before they each get their police badges.
All three are shown a picture of an escaped convict for 2 minutes. The picture is then taken away and the 

sergeant asks the first how would you describe the suspect if you had to describe him in court??
Well the first blonde says hey thats easy he only has one eye...
The sergeant sighs and says no dear its a identity picture he's standing sideways...
Oh she says 
The next blonde is asked the same question and she says in a triumphantly He only has one ear!!
the sergeant sighs heavily and explains to the second blonde that this is an ID photo and the suspect

 is standing sideways He turns hopefully to the third blonde and asks her the same question adding
now think really hard this isnt that difficult The third blonde says that is soo easy he's wearing contact 

lenses
Amazed at hearing this the sergeant checks and indeed the suspect is wearing contact lenses... 

astounded he goes bak to the third blonde and asks her how she knew the third blonde replies 

innocently
Well he cant wear normal glasses cos he only has one ear and one eye he had to be wearing 

contacts!!!!!!! 

Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
 

Caleb came from a small town in west Texas and was real thrilled 

when he made the A & M football team. One Monday afternoon the 

coach noticed his socks were filthy. 
"Hey you featherbrain," said the coach. "You gotta put on a clean 

pair of socks each day before we go out for practice!" 
By Friday, Caleb couldn't get his shoes on. 
  

Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. They are easier to keep amused.
 

A phone call to a coed dorm:
- Can I have Natasha?
- You can have everyone... 

Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A. "Thanks for the refill!"
 

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? 

A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing?

A. She was run over by the zambonis machine

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