Humor Women

EXTRA Tight Mini Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. 
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her 
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. 
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. 
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" 
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured we were friends."

Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four? 

Good Trade

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaimed his friend, "Good trade."

Homework Assignment

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. 
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. 
Eventually little Johnny’s turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. 
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. 
"It's a period," reported Johnny. 
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." 
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

HOW MEN SHOWER 

Enter shower, turn on water
Soap and Rinse. Turn off shower
Towel dry. If no towel available, just roll over once on the bed.
Done.

Irish Wife

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Rail way girl

A railway inspector and his friend in a bar chatting...
Friend: Why have you got that big smile on your face.
Railway inspector: I just had the best sex of my life!
Friend :with who?
Railway inspector: With this girl I found on the railway tracks.
Friend: Oh yeah! What did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing body!
Friend: Oh yeah! But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing legs!
Friend: But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had perfect breasts!
Friend: Yeah but what did she look like!
Railway inspector: Don't know never found the head.

REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN 

1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.

Reasons why motorcycles are better than women.

If you say bad things about your m/cycle you don’t have to apologies before you can ride it again.
You can ride your m/cycle for long as you like & it wont get sore.
You can kick your m/cycle to wake it up.
You can have a black m/cycle & show it to your parents.
M/cycles only need their fluid changed every 4500 kms.
M/cycles curves never sag.
M/cycles last longer.
M/cycles don’t get pregnant.
You can ride a m/cycle anytime of the month.
M/cycles don’t have parents.
If your M/cycle has an oil leak you can still ride it without complaint.
M/cycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
There’s no problem's if your mates ride your bike.
If your m/cycle makes too much noise you can put a muffler on it.
You only need to replace the chain on your m/cycle when the old one is worn.
If your m/cycle smokes you can do something about it.
M/cycles don’t care how many other m/cycles you have ridden.
When riding you & your m/cycle arrive at the same time.
M/cycles don’t care how many other m/cycles you have.
M/cycles don’t mind if you look at other m/cycles
M/cycles don’t mind if you buy m/cycle magazines.
New m/cycles must be asked for, & if you don’t want to pay you don’t get one.
If your m/cycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your m/cycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your m/cycle is too soft you can buy new shocks.
If your m/cycle is misaligned you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
A m/cycle will never shit on you.
Your m/cycle won't get upset if you drink piss while riding it.
You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your m/cycle.
You don’t have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your m/cycle.
You don’t have to prove to your m/cycle that you're a m/cyclist & that you think that all m/cycles are equal
Your parents don’t keep in touch with your old m/cycles after you dump them.
M/cycles always feel like going for a ride.
M/cycles don’t insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your m/cycle never wants a night out with other m/cycles alone.
M/cycles don’t care if you're late.
You don’t have to take a shower before you ride your m/cycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your m/cycle.
If your m/cycle doesn’t look good you can paint it.
You can't get diseases from m/cycles you don’t know very well.

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" 
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

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