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The
Bisexual Son
Four men go out to play golf. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's says his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
The Milkman
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
The
Pickle Slicer
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"
"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle
slicer?"
"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."
The
Seinfeld Sex Directory
Backed Up - Glandular condition that men get from not having sex.
Bad Breaker Upper - Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean, but means them.
Home Bed Advantage - The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.
"It didn't take" - George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.
The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine - Breakup method to which George lays claim.
Love - A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.
Make up Sex - The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex".
Master of your Domain - One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.)
Public Fornicator - A porn actor.
Put in - The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks.
Sexual Camel - Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex.
Sexual Perjury - Faking it.
Shrinkage - Physical reaction men have to cold water.
Slip One Past the Goalie - To impregnate a woman.
Stopping Short - Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car.
The Switch - Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully.
The Tap - Sign a woman uses to stop oral sex, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball.
Twin
Object Of Desire
One day, a man noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor man when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they return, and ask the man to step inside. "Okay," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars, you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this, the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. The man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies the man, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
White
Mustache
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk."
Woman
And Midget
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
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