Humor Adult

Shopping Expedition

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. 
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." 
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" 
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. 
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. 
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

Sisters

Nina lived in Manhattan. Nina's younger sister, Rosey, came in from college to spend a weekend with her sophisticated sister. Nina had even arranged a date for Rosey with one of her friends, George.
After a lovely dinner and a show, George and Rosey went to George's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a while and then George suggested they retire to the bedroom.
"Oh, no," Rosey protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."
"Nonsense," said George as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

Small Change

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Mom, I got married."
Her mother said, "Oh, that's great."
The girl said, "But, Mom, he's an Arab."
Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great."
The girl said, "But he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Mom, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother said, "So for 90 cents you're going to make trouble?"

Still Up In Bed

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Sundae

Three guys are walking down the street one day, when they come on a whore house. They decide to go inside. 
When they get to the counter, the lady says, "It's $5 for sex."
The first man turns to his buddies and says, "Do ya'll have any money?" They say no, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dime. He tells the lady that all he has is a dime.
She says, "We'll fix you up."
She takes him to a room and 20 minutes later he comes back out. His buddies ask him what happened. He says that the lady put whipped cream on his dick and licked it off with her tongue. 
The second man says, "I got 15 cents. I wonder what I can get." He gives it to the lady, and she takes him back to the same room. He comes out 30 minutes later, and his buddies ask him what happened.
He says, "She put whipped cream on my dick and then poured hot fudge on top of that and licked it off." 
The third guy says, "I got a quarter, so I'm gonna see what I can get." The lady takes him back to the room, and 10 minutes later he comes out limping. His buddies look at him and ask what happened.
He says, "She put whipped cream and hot fudge on my dick, and to top it off, she put a cherry...It looked so good I ate it my self."

Super Heroes

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.
"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened." 
So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

Ten Thing You'll never hear a man say 

10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

Ten Thing You'll never hear a woman say 

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger! 

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