Humor Adult

Cinderella at 75

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

Compassionate Home Leave

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted." Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. 
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of." 

Compliment

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

Costume Party

A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions. So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion" states the doorman. "We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion." Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing "Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!", to which the couple reply, "We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in." Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.
Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, "I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner." To which the black man responds in a thick Jamaican accent, "Actually I was invited!","Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion." The black guy says, "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!" (Deep in this pear)

Dinner With Girlfriend Parent

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. 
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condom she'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. 
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." 
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Donald Duck And Minnie Mouse

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?" 
Donald says "No." 
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. 
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. 
The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. 
The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" 
Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

Don't Say The During Chat

But everybody looks funny naked! 
You woke me up for that? 
Did I mention the video camera? 
Do you smell something burning? 
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 
Try breathing through your nose. 
A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 
But whipped cream makes me break out. 
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. 
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 
Can you please pass me the remote control? 
Do you accept Visa? 
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 
On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 
So much for mouth-to-mouth. 
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 
Do you get any premium movie channels? 
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 
Got any penicillin? 
But I just brushed my teeth... 
Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 
I want a baby! 
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 
Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 
I think you have it on backwards. 
When is this supposed to feel good? 
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 
You're good enough to do this for a living! 
Is that blood on the headboard? 
Did I remember to take my pill? 
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 
I wish we got the Playboy channel... 
That leak better be from the waterbed! 
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 
No, really... I do this part better myself! 
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 
This would be more fun with a few more people. 
You're almost as good as my ex! 
Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 
You look younger than you feel. 
Perhaps you're just out of practice. 
You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 
Now I know why he/she dumped you... 
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 
What tampon? 
Have you ever considered liposuction? 
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 
What are you planning to make for breakfast? 
I have a confession... 
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 
Are those real or am I just behind the times? 
Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 
Is that a hanging sculpture? 
You'll still vote for me, won't you? 
Did I mention my transsexual operation? 
I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 
Did you come yet, dear? 
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 
Does this count as a date? 
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 
Hic! I need another beer for this please. 
I think biting is romantic -- don't you? 
You can cook, too right? 
When would you like to meet my parents? 
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 
Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? 
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 
Sorry but I don't do toes! 
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 
I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. 
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 
Is this a sin too? 
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 
Long kisses clog my sinuses... 
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 
You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Drilling Holes

A gay guy is standing at the gates of heaven when he hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
He says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
St. Peter replies, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
He says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to hell."
St. Peter says, "In hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
He says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

English Teacher

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. 
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" 
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" 
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." 
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." 
"That's right, Dad." 
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." 
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

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